Rambling on... again..

One of the side-effects of taking a ‘break’ is managing finances and doing the mental adjustment needed to not expect the sure-fire salary transfer every month end! Its only been one 25th of the month since my quitting – but have to admit I DID think of the salary I wasn’t getting that day… :) Friends who’ve walked the similar path before me tell me that its been one of the toughest adjustment areas for most. And I would tend to agree – so far that is. Salary has a way of giving us internal-confidence of being in control of our lives. Am sure most people who’ve worked for a reasonable amount of time and with a reasonably decent salary – don’t NEED to check for the exact time / day when its been transferred every month. However the knowledge that it has moved – gives a warm and happy glow to everyone I know! It makes every effort you've put into your job day and night seem worth it. So when you decide to give up on that part of the control – its expectedly tough. My erstwhile salary...

In life, beginings and ends form such a crucial part of living - never have i realised it more than in the last month or so. Both personally and professionally - too many things are ending and too many new ones are beginning. Its very easy to get nostalgic about whats ended - easier still to forget that it was us who wanted that stage to end ourselves. All because somewhere or the other in our heart - we're scared of the next stage... scared of not being sure... maybe of not having the comfort of belonging - like how we did earlier. Leaving aside the personal changes - professionally, after working for 14 years non-stop, i quit. To the world - i've taken a 'break'. No plans, No hidden cards (yes i got told that by quite a few), No waiting-by-the-side offers... just needed to not feel fatigued in life and figured that it IS after all, MY OWN LIFE... so i can do what feels right to me... without guilt, or feeling irresponsible, or even just guilt of being lazy!! Its my go...

'A beautiful dress is of no use until it inspires someone to take it off!!' Vanity and women have a very very weird relationship. We seem to believe that its only OK for us to be vain, but not for any one else around us. We turn our snooty noses up in the air at any 'obvious' display of it, and yet applaud the same when it walks down a ramp wrapped in a beautiful package. From women in the villages who use the household fuel - charcoal to line their eyes; to women elsewhere in the world who believe gold flakes is also too little to bring the 'glow' to their faces -- aren't we all just simply VAIN??

Sometimes life has its own way of getting the answers you seek to you through absolutely unexpected ways! A general catch-up session with a dear friend and sharing what's been happening in life turned into a moment of 'THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR!!!' The answer to the most often asked question - at least in my life for a while lately - 'should i go out and do what my heart says or should i accept this (whatever it may be at that point of time) as fate?' And this question has begun to haunt me in almost every sphere of life i can think of - professional or personal! So when i heard these words today - something... no actually Everything kind of fell into place. It IS ok to follow your heart - even though the path may be paved with a great deal of loneliness or even pain and disappointments - but life's just not worth it if you cant look back in your last moments and feel you've really done justice to LIVING!!! :) So dear friend - you know who you are...

Life seems to be full of these balancing acts, na? some of them larger than life and some so tiny that till u pay attention u wont even realise that you're really balancing between two different and mostly contrasting pulls on you. And for what its worth - the resolutions of these contrasting forces is pretty much the sum total of what we as people are all about!!! Some recent ones - - Boss' priority on a project vs what i think is priority on my own job list! (Resolution - start the boss' work and hopefully find someone to delegate it to - but keep focus and larger part of my time for my own priority!!) - Eating with a friend in office vs catching up on networking gossip with another colleague (Resolution - Keep lunch for friend (longer time spent...) but catch up with colleague over a smoke break - so what if i get exposed to some passive smoke!) - Play the dutiful daughter to mom or go out and have another fun night with friends (Resolution - Friday night for mom ... but...

Went to a health farm as a part of my end-year holidays... with my sis! 5 days of cleansing - mind, body and in not-so-small a manner - SOUL too!! Had gone admittedly with a closed mind - full of negatives and willing to pull out at the slightest sign of being 'boring' or 'tough'!! Thankfully - It was far from either... Spending time on just myself had become a rarity as i realised there. WHen was the last time i looked at just myself and thought abt what i'm eating, drinking or doing?? Took me almost 2 days of that regimen to get used to the fact that i did not HAVE to have my laptop with me... that it was fine for the phone to be off all day long... that no one was dying to know where i was... and the biggest one - That its OK for me not to CARE about anything else but chilling out and shutting off the world!!! ;-) Made new friends there... reminded me of the times when we didnt have so much technology at hand so easily which made us take friendships too casually ...

What is it about the new year that gets everyone all nostalgic or contemplative - even more than your birthday sometimes!! anyways - as always... it set me off thinking.. and the bleakest thing is that i dont HAVE a list of resolutions!!! shit... isnt that a sad state of affairs to have!??!! well - just for the heck of it - i shall make one now... - i shall cross the 60kg barrier and stay below it - for at least 3 months!!! ;-) - i shall have even more fun than i do now - i shall hopefully kiss a fewer frogs this year (and not hope for them to turn into princes!!) or else - i shall feel less guilty about kissing frogs!!! ;-) - i shall not bow down to hierarchy and process - anally... - i shall be true to my urge to have a satisfying job - career be damned!! - i shall be more forgiving and patient in my friendships - and not impose my code of conduct onto others!!! - i shall be more openly and vocally thankful for all the blessings i have in my life!!! Phew!! sounds enough now... :-)