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Solitude...

"The Loneliness sometimes overtakes the freedom of solitude"... This line written by a friend in a mail to me this morning pretty much summed up what i was feeling i guess - but cudnt really pin down myself.

Being on your own has a whole lot of addictive plusses i guess... which i realized last week when i was 24*7 with my family in an extremely high emotional and physical stress environment. The craving i felt for my own bed and my own house - on my own - was almost scary. Havent really felt like that before... but then havent really spent so much non-stop time with others (even family) in a long while.

I felt like possibly an addict feels in the initial days of being in a rehab!! ;-) i was dreaming of silence... of sitting down at a place and not having to make conversation... of waking up because i wasnt sleepy anymore and not because i 'had to'... of having whatever expression suited me rather than being aware of what my face gives away!

and then i got all that i wanted... My own bed and my own home...

But it wasnt enuf, was it? i still wanted more... Now i wanted someone to share my silences with... No wonder i went to bed last night cursing myself for wanting more from life at every step of the way!!

And then came the email i refered to above... a very dear friend... feeling the same conflict of desires.

Must admit - in a really sadistic way - the email was very gratifying... made me take a deep sigh of relief that am not the only nerd who feels like this... ;-)

Is it human to just be greedy about what we want in life?
Does this happen to everyone or is it just a few of us cursed with this unquenchable thirst for more?
What does it take to bring on a semblance of satisfaction in life?
Does satisfaction make one complacent or even greedier?

The hindi term for this is 'Mrigyatrishna' - The thirst for the unattainable - from the episode in Ramayan when Sita sends off Ram to hunt for the golden deer knowing fully well that no such thing as a golden deer exists in real life!!

Am i cursed with that?? But since Gods themselves have fallen prey to it - hopefully this is still acceptable...

:-)

Comments

Richa said…
I must say I am going through very similar phase right now!!! Very well written Ruchika. Hope the agony ends soon!!!
April 25, 2009 at 12:15 AM
Adri said…
My dear friend, I completely understand what you feel and I share the feeling. Thank you for putting it out there so that we can know we are not alone!!
You are indeed my Indian twin!
December 28, 2009 at 5:21 AM
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