One of the things I used to be totally proud of almost all my working life - actually all of it - was that I gave my work my total sincerity, passion and enthusiasm. However I did reach a point when I decided to take a break from it for a while - without the excuse of a child if I may add. But even then the real reason to take such a step was the realisation that my 'heart wasn't in it' totally. And my supportive bosses understood and respected it. I did have the excuse of saying - well I am getting married - but even to my own ears it rang false, as we had a very simple wedding and had already set up home together. So there really wasn't much I was supposed to do - except show up at my wedding and have a chilled out time. But I decided a break was what I needed - not quit working. Just take a few moments to breathe and relax and maybe spend time doing things I wanted to do - which was essentially sleep, eat, meet friends and be a lazy potato in general :) And then figure out what I wanted to do next - which necessarily meant, where my 'heart would be in it'.
As a side-fact, I got bored doing the above within a very very short time and took up one of the first job opportunities that came my way in 6 months time. Maybe a mistake or maybe the best use of an opportunity - am still figuring that one out. But to continue the story - along came the baby in our lives - and MY life went on a tangent which I honestly never could have predicted, expected or even accepted from the earlier frame of reference. Life's priorities became surviving mentally and physically through the early months and then emotionally too - what with the constant help issues most nuclear families deal with nowadays. In the middle of all this - having my 'heart in my work' I guess took a far far backseat as a priority. Something like this doesn't happen suddenly I guess and neither is one unaware of such things - after all its been the source of many a satisfied moments in life earlier. But I guess the satisfaction is either coming in from just being able to hold the (house, husband and baby) trio together or maybe having put your own comforts and desires to a backseat anyways - the need for such satisfaction itself reduces.
Then comes a moment like today - when the little one spent the first unescorted hours at a day care - all of 2.5hrs - but a giant leap of freedom for motherhood and this mother for sure! And suddenly you look at what you have around you for yourself - the individual that you were having been forgotten somewhere down the line. Now the urge to have the 'heart in it' is giving me restless thoughts and severe doubts. Doubts whether I still 'have it' in me; and even doubts if I still WANT to 'have it'. Doubts of feeling inadequate or even just plain lethargic. As a recent manager put it very well - the biggest challenge / achievement for a new mother in the work context is just 'showing up'.
As I grapple and rummage through these doubts, with the hope of finding a calming solution - I bow in total admiration to women who have managed to strike that balance. The sheer effort of rising up to the physical, mental and emotional challenge of building a satisfying work-and-family life for yourself is awe-inspiring to someone like me who's led a by and large individualistic life. Whether they did this by being driven by the need of their life circumstances; or by creating a superlative support system that helped them along the way. Whichever way I look at it - these women have set a seemingly high bar as individuals - not because they're a success in their work field, but because they have managed to have their 'heart in it'. God bless you dear lady - you stuck to your passions even when your heart might have been stretched to its limits to be in very different places. You stood strong against temptations to go weak and claim sympathy. You built your own definitions of satisfaction and expectations from life and yourself. You listened to the voice in your heart which told you what was your priority when. You stayed guilt-free - even when other women around you gave you unsolicited advice on prioritizing ONLY family before everything else. You knew you were right in giving yourself credit to be an Individual and not just a mother or a wife.
Someday I hope to be YOU...
As a side-fact, I got bored doing the above within a very very short time and took up one of the first job opportunities that came my way in 6 months time. Maybe a mistake or maybe the best use of an opportunity - am still figuring that one out. But to continue the story - along came the baby in our lives - and MY life went on a tangent which I honestly never could have predicted, expected or even accepted from the earlier frame of reference. Life's priorities became surviving mentally and physically through the early months and then emotionally too - what with the constant help issues most nuclear families deal with nowadays. In the middle of all this - having my 'heart in my work' I guess took a far far backseat as a priority. Something like this doesn't happen suddenly I guess and neither is one unaware of such things - after all its been the source of many a satisfied moments in life earlier. But I guess the satisfaction is either coming in from just being able to hold the (house, husband and baby) trio together or maybe having put your own comforts and desires to a backseat anyways - the need for such satisfaction itself reduces.
Then comes a moment like today - when the little one spent the first unescorted hours at a day care - all of 2.5hrs - but a giant leap of freedom for motherhood and this mother for sure! And suddenly you look at what you have around you for yourself - the individual that you were having been forgotten somewhere down the line. Now the urge to have the 'heart in it' is giving me restless thoughts and severe doubts. Doubts whether I still 'have it' in me; and even doubts if I still WANT to 'have it'. Doubts of feeling inadequate or even just plain lethargic. As a recent manager put it very well - the biggest challenge / achievement for a new mother in the work context is just 'showing up'.
As I grapple and rummage through these doubts, with the hope of finding a calming solution - I bow in total admiration to women who have managed to strike that balance. The sheer effort of rising up to the physical, mental and emotional challenge of building a satisfying work-and-family life for yourself is awe-inspiring to someone like me who's led a by and large individualistic life. Whether they did this by being driven by the need of their life circumstances; or by creating a superlative support system that helped them along the way. Whichever way I look at it - these women have set a seemingly high bar as individuals - not because they're a success in their work field, but because they have managed to have their 'heart in it'. God bless you dear lady - you stuck to your passions even when your heart might have been stretched to its limits to be in very different places. You stood strong against temptations to go weak and claim sympathy. You built your own definitions of satisfaction and expectations from life and yourself. You listened to the voice in your heart which told you what was your priority when. You stayed guilt-free - even when other women around you gave you unsolicited advice on prioritizing ONLY family before everything else. You knew you were right in giving yourself credit to be an Individual and not just a mother or a wife.
Someday I hope to be YOU...
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