With the Mother's Day weekend coming up and all the commercial promotions starting off early, I was thinking on a bit of a tangent... or maybe not as tangential as I think.
It struck me how tomes are being written about the greatness of being a mother and how it completes a woman's life - and yes, some people do stop and mention the dads too. But little gets written or maybe discussed about how the relationship between two 'individual' people in a marriage evolves post parenthood. Everyone I think goes through the older-generations' promotion of parenthood about how it 'evolves' the relationship between them and that parenthood makes you closer than before to your partner.
Naturally becoming attuned to the dynamics of families - vs just couples - I started closely observing what I thought were social patterns which maybe I could use someday to define the kind of roles and relationships I wanted to emulate in my life.
I saw parents around me who were both super-involved with their kids' lives and then there were a few where only the mother was aware of the section of the class the child was in. And while I try to keep a non-feminist point of view on things, higher involvement of mothers is something which seems to be the accepted - and expected - norm. I cannot think of a single family around me where I have seen the father take on a deeper-than-mom involvement level. Maybe parenting is not 'testosterone-y' enough for enough men to be making a priority of it? Or is the fact that they're expected to be the main-bread-winners for the family - even by most women - the reason they are 'unable' to be equals at parenting? Or maybe just that my sample is unfairly biased. Whatever may be the case, it seems to me that moms have an upper hand when it comes to being a parent. Not saying - good parent - just being the more involved, and hence the more contributing parent.
So what does this do to the relationship between the two parents - does it equalize the relationship as a whole as it was I guess intended whenever the cave-people started living socially? Or does it give the women an 'upper-hand' in the overall dynamics itself? After all - parenting is not the only part of the family life they have a higher-involvement in. Running the household itself is their primary responsibility as well. Will discuss that separately someday - but I again believe that I haven't come across a household where the man takes on the primary responsibility of running the household. Some men are involved enough to do occasional grocery shopping and maybe 'talking' to the help if the occasion demands it - but that's pretty much it, isn't it?
And I do not think any of the above changes drastically in the case of working women. So before anyone goes down that road of argument - I really haven't seen much difference with that variable either. Whether or not the woman earns less / equal / more than the man - the roles and responsibilities do not shift.
There are a few patterns I imagine that can emanate from these dynamics - and like with any other social theory, there will be innumerable nuances which make each relationship unique.
Men feeling that everything balances out because at the end of the day - Money rules.
Women feeling like they carry the cross alone and begrudging their destiny.
Men feeling pressured to be super-men by the evolving social norms expecting them to be equals at parenting too.
Women enjoying being the behind-the-scenes controllers, while allowing the men to believe otherwise in public.
Like I said before - Innumerable nuances and dynamic scenarios exist in real. Each relationship will also not be uniform all through its existence - there will be phases where things are hugely different from other phases of life for the same relationship.
Where does that leave the relationship between the two parents then - I have absolutely no clue!! The only thing I believe for sure is that this is one relationship which can never be truly equal. And because that kind of defeats the very notion of the relationship itself - which is founded on being EQUAL PARTNERS - is the highest cause for stress that I know of. Makes me feel awestruck yet again - how even after knowing all this - each generation passes on the merits of marriage and family to the next as the best thing to look forward to in life.
While many aspire to have equal relationships - few genuinely try to bring it about. Again not saying its upto any one of them - but maybe the onus of seeking and contributing to this equality is the one lesson that we need to pass onto our next generation.
Maybe that's what I need to bring as a difference in my parenting - Aspire to be a real partner in your relationships son, you will automatically have happiness in your life.
It struck me how tomes are being written about the greatness of being a mother and how it completes a woman's life - and yes, some people do stop and mention the dads too. But little gets written or maybe discussed about how the relationship between two 'individual' people in a marriage evolves post parenthood. Everyone I think goes through the older-generations' promotion of parenthood about how it 'evolves' the relationship between them and that parenthood makes you closer than before to your partner.
Naturally becoming attuned to the dynamics of families - vs just couples - I started closely observing what I thought were social patterns which maybe I could use someday to define the kind of roles and relationships I wanted to emulate in my life.
I saw parents around me who were both super-involved with their kids' lives and then there were a few where only the mother was aware of the section of the class the child was in. And while I try to keep a non-feminist point of view on things, higher involvement of mothers is something which seems to be the accepted - and expected - norm. I cannot think of a single family around me where I have seen the father take on a deeper-than-mom involvement level. Maybe parenting is not 'testosterone-y' enough for enough men to be making a priority of it? Or is the fact that they're expected to be the main-bread-winners for the family - even by most women - the reason they are 'unable' to be equals at parenting? Or maybe just that my sample is unfairly biased. Whatever may be the case, it seems to me that moms have an upper hand when it comes to being a parent. Not saying - good parent - just being the more involved, and hence the more contributing parent.
So what does this do to the relationship between the two parents - does it equalize the relationship as a whole as it was I guess intended whenever the cave-people started living socially? Or does it give the women an 'upper-hand' in the overall dynamics itself? After all - parenting is not the only part of the family life they have a higher-involvement in. Running the household itself is their primary responsibility as well. Will discuss that separately someday - but I again believe that I haven't come across a household where the man takes on the primary responsibility of running the household. Some men are involved enough to do occasional grocery shopping and maybe 'talking' to the help if the occasion demands it - but that's pretty much it, isn't it?
And I do not think any of the above changes drastically in the case of working women. So before anyone goes down that road of argument - I really haven't seen much difference with that variable either. Whether or not the woman earns less / equal / more than the man - the roles and responsibilities do not shift.
There are a few patterns I imagine that can emanate from these dynamics - and like with any other social theory, there will be innumerable nuances which make each relationship unique.
Men feeling that everything balances out because at the end of the day - Money rules.
Women feeling like they carry the cross alone and begrudging their destiny.
Men feeling pressured to be super-men by the evolving social norms expecting them to be equals at parenting too.
Women enjoying being the behind-the-scenes controllers, while allowing the men to believe otherwise in public.
Like I said before - Innumerable nuances and dynamic scenarios exist in real. Each relationship will also not be uniform all through its existence - there will be phases where things are hugely different from other phases of life for the same relationship.
Where does that leave the relationship between the two parents then - I have absolutely no clue!! The only thing I believe for sure is that this is one relationship which can never be truly equal. And because that kind of defeats the very notion of the relationship itself - which is founded on being EQUAL PARTNERS - is the highest cause for stress that I know of. Makes me feel awestruck yet again - how even after knowing all this - each generation passes on the merits of marriage and family to the next as the best thing to look forward to in life.
While many aspire to have equal relationships - few genuinely try to bring it about. Again not saying its upto any one of them - but maybe the onus of seeking and contributing to this equality is the one lesson that we need to pass onto our next generation.
Maybe that's what I need to bring as a difference in my parenting - Aspire to be a real partner in your relationships son, you will automatically have happiness in your life.
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