I am out visiting my family and A calls to say he’s getting
free earlier and will get home before me. I get asked ‘Oh now you’ll need to
leave early too’ – actually not in a question sense, more like a statement.
I set up a girly evening with friends and decide to host it
at home. A is home at that time – and am asked ‘Oh shouldn’t we ask him to join
us? He will feel bad.’
Now the point of all these questions is that if the man of
the house is free – the woman i.e. me – should make myself available to be
around him. Lets visit another scenario observed -
Everytime I travel on work, I get asked ‘Oh how will R
manage?’ – without an exception. Every single time. Whether am going for 1 day
or 4.
And no – this is never asked to the man of the house.
I am wondering why is there an inherent assumption that the
poor guy is incapable of looking after himself or HIS child or HIS house? I
mean, give the soul a break. He’s been educated the same as me. He’s been
brought up to be a self-made person the same as me. He’s been exposed to the
world the same as me.
Why am I thought to be more capable when it comes to matters
of the house or the child?
Why is it assumed that his ego is more fragile than mine
that he can’t handle me not wanting him to hang out with my friends sometimes?
Above all - Why is this mindset there in more women then
men? Most of the questions I’ve quoted above are not being asked by men, but by
women in my circle. Mom, sister, cousin, friends, colleagues.
Well one straight answer could be – Men are not interested
in even figuring out how things at home will be managed. And I think it might
just be the right answer too – in most scenarios. And even more true could be the fact that a lot of the men are hiding behind this accepted incapability too.
But then isn’t it time that
women started changing their own mindset first – before asking men to change
theirs?
Changing the question to
“Cool so you’re travelling for work. Enjoy the break it
gives you” or
“Is there something your husband might need help with when
you’re away?”
“Great Father kid bonding time eh? Hope he’ll make the most
of it”
"So is he taking time off to be at home?" :)
I think that most women – irrespective of their
education and exposure levels – are still not really expecting (let alone demanding)
similar treatment between men and women. This fact in itself is whats responsible for the appalling
state of our country today. Men are being expected to stay away from household responsibilities while women are making themselves into beings with superhuman capabilities - career, children, home et al... we handle it all, bring it on!
Women with an inherent and built in – why should there be a
gender based differentiation in how people perceive us or how i perceive people – will need to lead the
way. Judge everyone on capability rather than gender defined expectations. Dont label these women as feminists - they're actually trying to stand up for men too!
Bringing in this mindset into the mainstream is an obligation for this elite set of women -
First for other women themselves and then for the men around them.
Your husband is an adult – treat him like that. Not as his
babysitter. Or his secretary. Or as his concierge.
So are you. Behave like that. Expect and demand to be
treated like that. Don’t peg your identity on having the household run around
you, if you don’t want it to. Create independent systems which work
irrespective of your presence. Don’t be threatened by giving up control over
every little thing in your household. Or in your spouse or children's lives.
Give space to your partner to be that - a partner. He is a very capable man - as much capable of multi-tasking or prioritizing as you are. Allow him to showcase his abilities too. Let him be a superhuman too - why deprive him of that glory?
Let your partner be just that – a partner. Not a liability
you need to take care of.
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