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Life Lessons from my Ma…

Growing up as the 3rd child in a financially constrained environment, I grew up with an in-built need to prove myself on my own merits. My father with his super-alpha personality fueled this in all 3 of us as well. It was the nurturing foil which my mom provided, which I feel is directly to be credited with keeping us human.
An absolutely non-confrontational lady – right from her own childhood to being a parent – Ma had her own very unique ways of managing the brood. For a recent work initiative I had to think of two traits which I have as a professional which she influenced. And while it took me time to come up with them initially, once it started rolling – 2 wasn’t a good enough number.
-          Work-Life Balance : No matter how many academic accolades any of us won or even sporting enrollments we did, none of it could be used to avoid household chores or making ourselves available for anything the family needed us for. Managing our acads or sports or any hobby was our own responsibility and never-ever an excuse to drop any of the other balls in life. “Just like you find time for your work, find time for your family / friends / home” – the mantra she used on my in my childhood has become my life mantra too. This has become so ingrained in me over the years that life never became centered on work only – not just in my daily routine but even in my own head space. So while my father gave me the wings to fly and take pride in whatever I worked on, it was my mother who kept me firmly tied to the ground reality. The utensils / room / clothes won’t wait to be cleaned just because you’re wanting to do something else. Very tough to gloat about work when you hear that voice in the background J

-          A related and very strong influence I would say came from the same roots - My identity was never tied to the chair I occupied at work. When you’re expected to play multiple roles with equal commitment – any one of those roles cannot become the center of your existence. Ma’s expectations from each of us as a son / daughter / sister / cousin / niece were not up for compromise. So if this meant that on a work trip you had to find time to call and wish your cousin – it had to be done. If it meant that if your brother needed the room to study for his projects – you giving up your music was not even allowed to be a debate point. I feel that all this played a bit-by-bit role in building up a multi-faceted relationship holder.

-          Relatability: I remember a friend of mine had told me that one of the nicest things about me was that I could talk with equal comfort to a peon or a CEO. Again I credit this directly to Ma. I saw her be her kindest best with a lady who used to come to our street to offer new utensils in exchange for old clothes. I saw the same kindness and comfort even when the head of my company visited our place once. She sees everyone as humans first and anything else second. Once a well-educated lady – similar to Ma – made a statement about being ‘magnanimous’ about letting a personal from another religion have water in her house. It took me a while to understand it for it was – I was so naïve I guess under Ma’s influence that it didn’t even strike me that this was anything to be proud of for anyone.

-          Empathy – When you grow up hearing the phrase “Keep yourself in his/her position and then think” – there’s no chance that you can’t have empathy as a basic trait in your bones. My entire relationship style – especially at work – is based on this one trait. Can I understand how the other person might be feeling or thinking? What can I do to get them to understand how I’m thinking or feeling? Its been my True North in managing my equations - if i cannt understand where they're coming from, i certainly cannot expect them to understand where i am trying to take them with them. This meant that sharing my own life stories became integral part of my conversations with my team. Made me human, helped them share their own lives and most importantly helped me 'put myself in their shoes'.

-          Pride in presentation – Ma was the queen of jugaad for me. Given our constrained economic scenario, one would think that we wouldn’t have been able to afford to call people over and entertain. And yet if you ask my (or my siblings’ for that matter) school friends, they all recall birthday parties at home - every year! Can’t afford cake this year? No worries – Gajar Halwa with kaju on top was made. Who wants to waste money on Coke etc – Jaljeera with boondi served in style instead. Our home always had beautiful paintings or embroidered wall hangings and we all learnt sewing to beautify and give longer life to everything around the house. Money cannot play a role in how you present yourself. Simple. No cribbing or crying. Just simple focus, ideas and hard work.

I guess many of us in my age group can share my examples easily… and somehow that only makes it sadder when you realise that the current generation of parents (me included) are struggling with inculcating most of these values in our kids. Where did we lose our way? Can consumerism be blamed for this or did we ourselves forgot to play a bigger parenting role?


It is my most heartfelt wish that one day I look back at my journey of being a Mom and realise that I too became a Ma instead… 

Comments

Unknown said…
I happen to be the oldest sibling of the brood, who grew up under the same parenting.
One thing which I would add is that she never had to scream and shout to get things done. There were no blackmails of being locked in the bathroom, shunted out.....it was just the natural authority of a parent which comes from complete dedication and commitment of being a MA!

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