Growing up
as the 3rd child in a financially constrained environment, I grew up
with an in-built need to prove myself on my own merits. My father with his
super-alpha personality fueled this in all 3 of us as well. It was the
nurturing foil which my mom provided, which I feel is directly to be credited
with keeping us human.
An
absolutely non-confrontational lady – right from her own childhood to being a
parent – Ma had her own very unique ways of managing the brood. For a recent
work initiative I had to think of two traits which I have as a professional
which she influenced. And while it took me time to come up with them initially,
once it started rolling – 2 wasn’t a good enough number.
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Work-Life
Balance : No matter how many academic accolades any of us won or even sporting enrollments
we did, none of it could be used to avoid household chores or making ourselves
available for anything the family needed us for. Managing our acads or sports
or any hobby was our own responsibility and never-ever an excuse to drop any of
the other balls in life. “Just like you
find time for your work, find time for your family / friends / home” – the
mantra she used on my in my childhood has become my life mantra too. This has
become so ingrained in me over the years that life never became centered on
work only – not just in my daily routine but even in my own head space. So
while my father gave me the wings to fly and take pride in whatever I worked
on, it was my mother who kept me firmly tied to the ground reality. The utensils / room / clothes won’t wait to
be cleaned just because you’re wanting to do something else. Very tough to
gloat about work when you hear that voice in the background J
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A
related and very strong influence I would say came from the same roots - My identity was never tied to the chair I
occupied at work. When you’re expected to play multiple roles with equal
commitment – any one of those roles cannot become the center of your existence.
Ma’s expectations from each of us as a son / daughter / sister / cousin / niece
were not up for compromise. So if this meant that on a work trip you had to
find time to call and wish your cousin – it had to be done. If it meant that if
your brother needed the room to study for his projects – you giving up your
music was not even allowed to be a debate point. I feel that all this played a
bit-by-bit role in building up a multi-faceted relationship holder.
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Relatability:
I remember a friend of mine had told me that one of the nicest things about me
was that I could talk with equal comfort to a peon or a CEO. Again I credit
this directly to Ma. I saw her be her kindest best with a lady who used to come
to our street to offer new utensils in exchange for old clothes. I saw the same
kindness and comfort even when the head of my company visited our place once.
She sees everyone as humans first and anything else second. Once a well-educated
lady – similar to Ma – made a statement about being ‘magnanimous’ about letting
a personal from another religion have water in her house. It took me a while to
understand it for it was – I was so naïve I guess under Ma’s influence that it didn’t
even strike me that this was anything to be proud of for anyone.
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Empathy
– When you grow up hearing the phrase “Keep yourself in his/her position and
then think” – there’s no chance that you can’t have empathy as a basic trait in
your bones. My entire relationship style – especially at work – is based on
this one trait. Can I understand how the other person might be feeling or
thinking? What can I do to get them to understand how I’m thinking or feeling? Its been my True North in managing my equations - if i cannt understand where they're coming from, i certainly cannot expect them to understand where i am trying to take them with them. This meant that sharing my own life stories became integral part of my conversations with my team. Made me human, helped them share their own lives and most importantly helped me 'put myself in their shoes'.
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Pride
in presentation – Ma was the queen of jugaad for me. Given our constrained
economic scenario, one would think that we wouldn’t have been able to afford to
call people over and entertain. And yet if you ask my (or my siblings’ for that
matter) school friends, they all recall birthday parties at home - every year! Can’t afford
cake this year? No worries – Gajar Halwa with kaju on top was made. Who wants
to waste money on Coke etc – Jaljeera with boondi served in style instead. Our
home always had beautiful paintings or embroidered wall hangings and we all
learnt sewing to beautify and give longer life to everything around the house.
Money cannot play a role in how you present yourself. Simple. No cribbing or
crying. Just simple focus, ideas and hard work.
I guess many of us in my age group can share my examples easily… and
somehow that only makes it sadder when you realise that the current generation
of parents (me included) are struggling with inculcating most of these values
in our kids. Where did we lose our way? Can consumerism be blamed for this or
did we ourselves forgot to play a bigger parenting role?
It is my most heartfelt wish that one day I look back at my journey of
being a Mom and realise that I too became a Ma instead…
Comments
One thing which I would add is that she never had to scream and shout to get things done. There were no blackmails of being locked in the bathroom, shunted out.....it was just the natural authority of a parent which comes from complete dedication and commitment of being a MA!