I have been the reason of envy by many over the last couple of years – simply because I landed in a job scenario where I receive huge amounts of support from my managers about WFH, thus allowing me to take it easy through my pregnancy and then the first year of my son. And I know I would be envious too if I heard of a similar work arrangement for anyone else – so this is not about pointing fingers at others and saying ‘but u don’t know half of it’.
This is about living in guilt – ALL THE F$#%ing time!! About
everything I life!! Guilt about ‘ignoring’ the baby when you sit to work, and
guilt about ‘ignoring’ work when you sit to feed the baby in the middle of a
working day!
The worst of course is feeling miserable when you duly get
appraised very poorly at your workplace – first time ever in my 16+ years of
working. I know I know – am supposed to think about the ‘great’ job am doing of
raising a child etc etc. But I must be some kind of a masochistic person for
wanting to not feel this lousy about my grade at work… after all I know and am
ready to acknowledge the fact that I just cannot work the same way I did
before. And not just because of the ever-present responsibility of a very young
child, but also mentally I have somewhere slowed down I guess. Am hoping its
not permanent (actually I know it isn’t, but the fear will remain till I can
prove it to myself).
But is it so wrong to want it all?? I want to be a good mom –
I know I am the best I can be. But maybe I can be better. And I also want to
excel at work – I know I am damn good when I can be. And I know I am definitely
better than what I am today. But how? How do other women manage things?
And I want replies only from those who have done so without
having in-laws or parents come and stay with them at home. Cause I don’t have
that.
Or maybe even those who had a full-time dependable help at
home. Cause I don’t have that either.
Or just maybe from those who decided to quit it all and
prioritize one over the other – Day care or got themselves a stay-at-home mom
tag. Cause I don’t seem to have that capability of prioritizing either.
All in all - feeling miserable with no clear path to follow... :(
Comments
I've done this, and I understand your frustration, the state you are in about your work.
But you have written this article just to vent out? Why would you exclude those who ask for help from other quarters - because that is what you should be doing. I understand if your parents or in-laws cant relocate to your part of the world. But what wrong with having a maid? In fact I suggest you do whatever you can to get one. Pay her as much as you can stretch (don;t be stingy here), because only then can you let go a bit of the home to tackle your work. Else this state will just last endlessly.
Thats my one-point serious advice to you.
Also, hope it all works out. You do need to calm down and centre yourself. You also need to let go a bit in some direction. You decide what works the best for you. Make a decision between being a great mom and being a great worker, if it comes to that.