Growing up – one of the phrases I heard a lot from folks and
teachers alike was that everyone needs to earn respect for themselves. It is
not to be assumed. Being the ‘Argumentative Indian’ that I am by birth, this
pretty much extended itself to elders as well, who had to pass my test of
having done something to earn my respect.
In the last few years – professionally this has been a topic
which caused me major heartache at times, as well as eventually became my way
of showing the finger to my detractors. Annual appraisals for me at one time had
a steady flow – Very good at your own work, however needs to work at commanding
respect from team members, needs to (have / portray / show) gravitas… Became a
huge pain-in-the-rear for me, especially since I would never be told who or
when was I not shown respect by someone. Eventually figured out that the demeanor
I carried was too ‘light’, ‘friendly’ – bordering on the verge of
being-taken-for-granted. Was even told at one time that I smiled too much at
work!! Worked at it – consciously for all of 2 months!! Gave up as it was too
tough for me to keep a straight face and back, look down my broad nose at
others around me and pretend to know things I had no qualms asking about
earlier. Went to my manager and pretty much told him off for setting me up on a
destructive path – rather than an encouraging one. Told him that I shall earn
my respect, my way. Not by doing anything other than being – Just me. He was
skeptical at first, but must hand it to him for being graceful enough to
actually take his words back at the mid-year review. My team had no issues on
respect with me. If anything, they said my positive approach to work helped
them shed their inhibitions and ask for help much earlier than they would have
done so themselves, team work had grown as had the sheer fun of fun together.
Why this path of thinking now? Simply because I find myself
at the same point again – albeit personally and from a very different
perspective too. Am I supposed to respect someone just because of the social
definition of that relation? Isn’t the earning respect rule applicable to
others too? Got me thinking yet again of course on how will I teach my son how
to earn respect. (These days, he’s literally become the center of my world, hasn’t
he?)
So here’s my two bits on earning respect – might be
applicable more to personal lives than professional, though I wouldn’t know. I pretty
much treat both aspects of my life similarly – maybe lesser so currently, but I
know the principles wouldn’t differ.
-
Walk the talk – yourself. Not by proxy. Don’t think
that just because the work got done finally it doesn’t matter who put in the
effort. It does.
-
Get your hands dirty. However privileged you may
be – the eventual effort-doer being you will make a huge difference to how you
make the others feel.
-
Be involved. Emotionally, physically,
financially, intellectually. Don’t be a bystander – its your own life and
relationships after all. And you will one day look back and wonder if it could
have been a happier life / relationship had you just done that little bit more.
-
Give credit where it’s due. Don’t assume that
just because you haven’t rushed in to claim credit for yourself, you are being
good. The right thing to do is to acknowledge the efforts put in by others.
-
Don’t let yourself be taken for granted. Every relationship
is a two-way street – if the other person wants you in their lives, they need
to value what you bring to theirs. And of course vice versa.
-
God is in details – need I explain this at all? J Small pleasures in
life never fade away or go out of fashion.
-
Make a grand statement once in a while – quite the
opposite of the above, but you’ll know the logic behind each am sure. Take the
effort to bestow ‘specialness’ to some occasion, person, feeling, action. Trust
me it will pay you back manifold…
-
Sympathy and empathy are two very different
emotions – learn the difference and when is the appropriate use of which. Stepping
into someone else’s shoes is not an option – its critical if you truly want to
invest in understanding someone’s point of view.
-
Expand your world-view. There may not
necessarily be just one way of doing the right things.
-
And the absolutely golden piece of advice – courtesy
an ex-manager again – People will forget what you did or said, they will never
forget how you made them FEEL. Just as
you remember the feelings, so do others.
Phew!! Mata Ruchika pravachan session done for the day…
Suddenly am more worried for my son than anything or anyone else. Poor guy will
need to pay so much attention to my words!! J
Comments