Rambling on... again..

I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember — first in secret diaries, then in blogs, and now here. What started as a private refuge has, over time, collided with the strange pressures of writing in a public world. This is the story of how I lost, reclaimed, and redefined my relationship with words — and why today, writing has returned to being my most private joy. Writing for me started very young. I remember those little diaries where I poured all my teen-angst — crushes, heartbreaks (mostly imaginary!), scraps of quotes, shayari, and song lines that spoke to my romanticized self. By the time I was done, I had 3–4 thick tomes filled with deeply personal scribbles — names, incidents, wild notions of love explained with all the seriousness of youth. And then it all came crashing down. During a visit home from my MBA hostel, I discovered that a house “sorting exercise” had included discarding my precious diaries along with other raddi . That moment — more than the crushes — felt lik...

There’s something almost mystical about reunions. Not the regular catch-ups over dinner, but those epic, trip-based gatherings where classmates convene after decades, as if time were just a decorative illusion. In the past few years, with the slow but steady drumbeat of friends turning fifty, I’ve been both witness and participant in adventures that begin with nervous anticipation and end in riotous laughter—and a kind of rebirth that no ordinary weekend could bring. At first glance, reunions seem to promise little more than nostalgia, some bad dancing, and a few retellings of embarrassing teenage moments. But somewhere between boarding passes and late-night confessions, something extraordinary unfolds. Time collapses. The cracks and scars of the intervening years fade into the background, replaced by a wave of pure, unfiltered joy—like meeting long-lost parts of ourselves we never realized had gone missing. For those fleeting days, we become the version of ourselves that existed befo...

  Its funny to say or hear this but its true. In my life, books happened very early on in life and I got totally hooked to the escape they offered. Given our financial constraints growing up, books were a cheap way to get those kicks in life. A nearby renting library with an endless supply of M&Bs and Georgette Heyer’s and other similar ‘fluffy’ fiction – made it all super easy. I devoured books from the school library, shamelessly borrowed (and returned) books from friends and neighbors and never shied away from being seen with a book at the every juncture. Its truly a wonder that i didn' t get glasses at that stage in life! Books saved me from the stress that financial constraints bring to a child’s mind. Books saved me from the boredom that brings on negative thinking. Books told me that having and expressing emotions were totally fine – I could shed copious tears while reading without any fear of judgement. I could laugh out loud at a smart and sassy scene. Instead they...

 Is it ok to miss yourself sometimes?  I miss you R… I miss your innocence The belief that the world was a happy place That love was there all around All we need to do is to reach out. Just an honest open attempt And life will reward you If you worked long and hard It will even speak up for you I liked that about you You knew how to move on You knew that forgiving was the only way Not forgetting necessarily - but definitely letting go I liked how you gave it your all When you set your mind to it How you put the scared kid inside you to bed every night With a promise that the next day would be better The kid who cried in her pillow for years Just because she felt lonely and unloved You told her you were there to hold her hand Whatever else life throws at her, you wouldn’t leave her alone But now that child is overwhelmed  The loneliness is threatening to take it all What can she do to keep it at bay With the weight of responsibilities taking their toll So while I think of ...

 In a completely random chat with my ma this morning, we were talking about someone who's known to be a cribber all her life. It reminded me of a turning point in my own journey of self-awareness - some 20 years ago.  At that point of time, my personal life was in an upheaval of sorts, work was good but was feeling short-changed due to some office politics - basically I was generally in a negative state of mind. One summer night, I was driving back home after a tiring day at work in a morose mood. Feeling bad for myself, blaming God in general - essentially a tired soul more than the body. At a traffic light, I glanced around and saw an absolutely unexpected site. On the road-divider there was a family of 4 - a couple and 2 young kids (under 10 years of age) - chilling out post dinner. That was not the unexpected bit.  The couple were laughing over something and talking to each other - looking happy to be together. The kids were playing with some stones and smiling away t...

I got married to a senior from  my MBA college  – we were both just about 25 years old at the time. We had been friends for 2 -3  years and believed that our common interests in books and movies made us compatible. Innocence and naivety was all pervasive then. He was from a conservative Gujarati family in Bombay and I came from a UP  Baniya  family where we had been brought up with very progressive values – something I honestly didn’t realize till much later.  Post marriage, I lived with my in-laws (including a younger sister in law) – a family of 5 of us in a 1 bedroom, 1 hall flat. For anyone who hasn’t lived in Bombay, it is very tough to imagine living in those small places. It takes away any semblance of privacy or personal space. Since I was working too, the daily commute on the locals as well as the expectations of ‘ Bahu ’ took away whatever little extra time I might have been able to get for any semblance of a private life with my husband. It also ...

This Women’s Day, IWD has chose the theme of the day to be Choose to Challenge. It’s a well-known fact that we all need to Challenge the way women issues are being handled, challenge the pay gaps, challenge the discrepancies in law in various countries and so many more such issues at a global level. When I think about this however, I would like to think that we need to challenge ourselves first. Challenge our thinking, mindset and beliefs we hold dear – many a times without even realizing it. A prime example of this is the role of a woman at home and the deep mindset conditioning that the kitchen is a woman’s responsibility. I believe that in many many ways, the stereotyping that we are protesting about at a global level, starts in our own homes in general and kitchens in particular. Across the world – across cultures – this is one of the things which is consistent. If there’s a woman in the house, the kitchen is her responsibility. If you find a man in there, its seen to be a favor or...

In my experience, if someone was able to arrive at an algorithm to solve this one question – there would be many many takers for it. Unlike professional ones, personal relationships are much more of a self-investment zone. This means that I have possibly invested not just my heart but also a part of my soul in this relationship. Can I just walk away? Will I ever be whole again? How will I even breathe let alone build a ‘happy’ life? And I am not even getting into the entire space of what will ‘they’ think of me. The ‘they’ here could be anyone ranging from family, friends to even strangers we’ve never even met. Over the years of being single after my divorce, I have had this conversation with many others who’ve either already gone through it or are flirting wi th the idea of going through it - “What made you take the final step?” I believe that a spousal relationship is built on 4 pillars of support – Physical intimacy, Emotional, Financial and Intellectual support. After going throu...

Having grown up on a liberal dose of Mills & Boons and eternal love stories, its been a life-long grudge with God / Fate / Destiny of mine that that’s been the one thing which always eluded me – Butterflies in my tummy and stars in my eyes kind of love. I remember when I was in 8 th grade – I won an extempore speech contest where the topic given to me as I stepped onto the stage was ‘Happiness’. I had about 30 seconds to gather my thoughts and then make a 2 minute long speech on the topic. I don’t really remember what I spoke exactly – except for 2 things. 1). I finished in 1.30 minutes. 2). I finished with a quote I remembered on happiness – Happiness is like a butterfly – runs away from you the more you chase it. But if you were to sit quietly and turn your attention elsewhere, you might just find it coming on its own and sitting on your shoulder. ( I think even I would have given myself the award for this !! ) But anyways – that’s what Romance became for me. I think I chas...

Growing up as the 3 rd child in a financially constrained environment, I grew up with an in-built need to prove myself on my own merits. My father with his super-alpha personality fueled this in all 3 of us as well. It was the nurturing foil which my mom provided, which I feel is directly to be credited with keeping us human. An absolutely non-confrontational lady – right from her own childhood to being a parent – Ma had her own very unique ways of managing the brood. For a recent work initiative I had to think of two traits which I have as a professional which she influenced. And while it took me time to come up with them initially, once it started rolling – 2 wasn’t a good enough number. -           Work-Life Balance : No matter how many academic accolades any of us won or even sporting enrollments we did, none of it could be used to avoid household chores or making ourselves available for anything the family needed us for. Managing ...

I come from a typical middle class traditional and conservative family with roots based on ‘Family before anything else’. My father – absolutely the most driven and strong personality I know of till date – ran the house with his terror keeping the 3 kids in tow. Having financial constraints was a way of life and how to overcome it – the main driving force for all of us. Very early on Papa identified education as the huge enabler to get over these constraints. However it wasn’t his (or mom’s) job at all – it was upto us. He enabled us by giving us the opportunity to study in the best schools within his limited means. 3 of us were taught to eat with fork and knife - without ever having been to a five star hotel. We used to all read both classical and fiction novels – without ever buying any. At the same time – we were all taught each and every house chore, be it dusting, mopping or washing utensils. When I say ‘all’ I mean – my elder sister, elder brother and me. If the house h...

As a part of a wonderful volunteering program at our workplace, i had the opportunity to spend the day at a YAR (Young at Risk) project run by the Don Bosco Trust in South West Delhi. This is essentially a set of kids from homeless families who've been uprooted two years ago in a slum demolition exercise and have found shelter under an overbridge. Over 30 families with approximately 250 odd people live in the rat-infested, environmentally challenged open space. Around 10-15 kids managed to get admitted to government schools nearby - a task made difficult by the absence of birth documents which were destroyed during the demolition. All this is due to the efforts by the Don Bosco incharge for their project - a 25 year old girl Sonia. And this today - is her story. At the age of 6, Sonia witnessed her brother being killed in front of her and soon after ran away from her abusive family environment. She managed somehow to land with an orphanage and foster parenting program run by t...

As yet another Women’s Day rolls in soon, I am full of very conflicting emotions. However the biggest one of them is the growing frustration that the day has become synonymous with “Pink” L It seems like you cant turn a corner without running into a token ‘Pink’ heart or a note that says something to the tune of – Long Live Womanhood! In my experience, even the most well-meaning organisations end up making a mockery of the day with the Senior Leaders distributing roses or notes to all the women in office appreciating them and so on. I have lived through a special dress-code for women, special outings to a Gold jewelry unit and even a few times when parlors were brought to the conference rooms. Don’t get me wrong please – I am not blaming men for this. A lot of the times the organizing teams included prominently women. And its not their fault either I guess – we women ourselves are not clear about what we deserve and should demand. This year’s International Women’s Day theme is #e...