Rambling on... again..

What is it about the new year that gets everyone all nostalgic or contemplative - even more than your birthday sometimes!! anyways - as always... it set me off thinking.. and the bleakest thing is that i dont HAVE a list of resolutions!!! shit... isnt that a sad state of affairs to have!??!! well - just for the heck of it - i shall make one now... - i shall cross the 60kg barrier and stay below it - for at least 3 months!!! ;-) - i shall have even more fun than i do now - i shall hopefully kiss a fewer frogs this year (and not hope for them to turn into princes!!) or else - i shall feel less guilty about kissing frogs!!! ;-) - i shall not bow down to hierarchy and process - anally... - i shall be true to my urge to have a satisfying job - career be damned!! - i shall be more forgiving and patient in my friendships - and not impose my code of conduct onto others!!! - i shall be more openly and vocally thankful for all the blessings i have in my life!!! Phew!! sounds enough now... :-)

Apni zameen main hoon khud Aasmaan bhi main Apni pyaas bhi main hi hoon Uss pyaas ki raahat bhi main Khud ki khushi to hoon hi Apna hi hoon gam bhi Rakshak main hi to hoon apni Aur shayad apni hi bhakshak bhi Bhanwar mein fassi bhi main hoon Bachne ka sahara bhi Iss safar ka aagaaz bhi main hoon Aur safar ka anjaam bhi Dhoop se tadpana bhi mujhe hai Thandak ki chaaya bhi main Raste ki thokar bhi main hoon Sahara liye ek haath bhi main Raat ka andhera hoon main Chandani ki roshni bhi hoon Savere ki thandak hoon main Aur dhoop ki tadpan bhi hoon Main hi manzil hoon khud apni Main hi hoon apna safar bhi Main hi karwaan iss safar ka Uss karwaan mein main tanha bhi Main hi khud ki hamsafar hoon Hoon apni hi saheli bhi Kab kaise main ban gayi Khud apni hi parchhayi bhi…

Meandering through life Constantly seeking something Which has no shape or form Or even a vague direction Why is it that the conviction never leaves me That its nearby within reach If I could only see through the haze If only I tried harder to find it Its as if once I find it All missing pieces will come together It’ll give me the goalpost address I’ll stop meandering then… Move from being a direction-less stream To a calm and purposeful river Who knows there’s an ocean up ahead Waiting with open arms to welcome her Welcome her with absolute acceptance And whatever she brings with her No judgements, no conditions Just a warm never-ending embrace saying ‘I missed you!’ ‘Where were you my sweetheart? I’ve been waiting so long… Without you my vastness is incomplete And my existness itself – seems wrong’ What will be after I find the direction is so clear Is it even possible that I can be mistaken? That there may not be anything up ahead Except the drudgery of the life I currently lead…

Jindagi ki daud bhaag mein Khud ko dafan kar rakha tha Har cheez yaha ab ‘chalti’ thi Har jazbaat baccha ke rakha tha Ek din doosre ke jaisa hi tha, Bas sochna hi to chhoota tha Hanso muskurao kuch kaho kabhi, Baaki sab bhula hi rakha tha Aaj ataanak ek mod pe Apne kal se mulakaat hui Itna dhakka laga dekh ke Kab kaise ye baat hui Kal ne aaj se ya poocha ’Tu kaun hai, hai kya naam tera?’ Aaj itna hairaan sa tha ’ye kaun hai, kya lagta hai mera?’ Bola ‘Kya sach mein hum do ek hi hain Ek sikke ke do pehlu? Ya phir tu kuch aur hai shayad Mujhse hai anjaan jo tu?’ Kal bola – ’hoon main bhi hairaan Tujhsa to kabhi na ban na tha Kahan gayi woh masoomiyat Jispe naaz main karta tha?’ ‘Kaise main batayoon dost Kya kya maine hai dekh liya Ab to apne hi saaye ka kal hoga na saath hai ye soch liya Is duniya ke dard se Khudko bacha ke rakha hai Dukh se chupne ki hod mein hi Dil ki chuppi ka rasta dhoondha hai Na hoga ehsaas aur na hi dard, ab sab kuch ’theek hi’ lagta hai Dimaag se bas kaam liya Is...

In life when you meet someone Who touches ur life even in a tiny little way Its natural I guess to get greedy And hope that the person will stay.. Stay around long enough to make u feel better About life, love and maybe even ur own self Give the hope that maybe life is not meant to be lived alone On your own all the time, by yourself.. Simple gestures are read to mean Whatever you want them to be A simple act of kindness Made out to be bigger than it possibly can be Its not deliberate mind you For no one wants to get hurt for sure Its just so natural to some of us To grab onto straws – desparate to the core It comes apart one day Almost catching us by surprise Why, how - did we read it all so wrong Our pride we easily did compromise The funniest part about all this is that Somewhere in our heart We’re still keeping the hope alive There was ‘something’ there – wasn’t all fart!! We might move on and build our lives Family, relationships et al But somewhere the flame of hope Keeps burnin...

A movie by this name on in the telly... a girl with a gay roomie.. enter a new guy - both girl and roomie fall in love!! :-) Cute plot.. not so cutely executed but enuf to set me off on another random rambling trip... If i met a gay man, wud i be able to confide in him the same way i do with my girlfriends? If i had to set out a definition of a guy friend i could be really really comfortable with - what would they be? - Honest - Need to respect the person for who he is... - Fun - sense of humour is such a critical one isnt it?? even in just friendships... - Trust worthy - i shd be able to tell him some of my stories (no one can take them all!!) with the comfort of knowing it'll stay with him - Not be judgemental... (wonder if its becoz i have such a past!!) ;-) - Be there for me when i need a shoulder to cry on - Make me laugh when i am sad - Give me his honest opinion on things - whenever i ask for it or not!! :-) ok fine i give up - why the heck wud i settle for such a friendship...

Was chatting with a friend and managed to surprise myself with my own articulation - "pride is a killer thing to have.. it'll keep u alive in the worst of scenarios - and stop u from actually living ur life in most others!" Aint this so true?? Innumerable times when i would have thought that life has gotten the better of me - have come bouncing right back at it... solely based on the fact that i cant let it beat me and my pride!! And countless have been those times when false notions of pride being hurt or even just merely threatened would have stopped me from making the 'first move'!! Moves which had i made at the right time - i would / could have maybe lived a life slightly better... Hmmm...

This was a topic of discussion a few days ago over a girlie lunch in office... strange location and timing i know! but then i love my office for its non-conformity to 'accepted practises'... :-) Predictably - when u have crossed the age of 32-33 and have been in enough relationships to know what they're about... such discussion topics can come up. Legitimately. Spontaneously. With complete relevance for the audience. so an all-engaging, entertaining and involved discussion followed. Of course - as is common - such discussions leave me with me even more random thoughts in my head than before the discussion. so i went hunting to where it needs to begin logically - the definitions of these terms... So here goes - this is how wikipedia defines Lust and Love.. Lust (or lechery) is an inordinate craving for coitus often to the point of assuming a self-indulgent, and sometimes violent character. As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly...

"The Loneliness sometimes overtakes the freedom of solitude" ... This line written by a friend in a mail to me this morning pretty much summed up what i was feeling i guess - but cudnt really pin down myself. Being on your own has a whole lot of addictive plusses i guess... which i realized last week when i was 24*7 with my family in an extremely high emotional and physical stress environment. The craving i felt for my own bed and my own house - on my own - was almost scary. Havent really felt like that before... but then havent really spent so much non-stop time with others (even family) in a long while. I felt like possibly an addict feels in the initial days of being in a rehab!! ;-) i was dreaming of silence... of sitting down at a place and not having to make conversation... of waking up because i wasnt sleepy anymore and not because i 'had to'... of having whatever expression suited me rather than being aware of what my face gives away! and then i got all that i...

This is again something's which has been on my mind for a while - maybe today it just moved to the forefront - and hence here i am. Work cultures - what makes them? who decides what culture to give an office? Have always thought that just like any other relationship in life - the office culture also begins with having the best intentions at heart and then making sure those intentions convert to actions. So dont just 'think' about having an open culture - Make sure that your attitude is truly open. My idea of a good working culture is a place where accountability and responsibility go very much hand in hand. Warmth and openess will come automatically if the team members are secure about their roles and organization's expectations from each employee... The role that a team leader plays in shaping the culture - almost single-handedly - is undeniable. True leadership comes through in absolutely the smallest of things that we do. Or dont do. How much does it cost to give th...

Isn't everyone's life incomplete without at least a few of these 'If Only's...'? :-) life would be absolutely stupidly boring if we didnt have those moments of reflection where we could go 'if only...' followed with a deep deep heartfelt sigh!! To me having these moments reassure me - tell me that am not just human, but also a person capable of learning from my past... If Only i had not given up easily on the first job offer i got.. just because my family didnt want me to stay away alone... If Only I had persisted and learnt singing the way i wanted to... just because i was too lazy to do the bus trips to mandi house... If only i had learnt swimming early enuf.. i wud have enjoyed australia that much more... If only i hadnt made an ego issue out of a simple fight with a friend... and instead gone back and apologized... If Only the guy i had a huge crush on - reciprocated my feelings... ;-) and so on and so forth... am sure its easy enuf to guess that the lis...

"A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares" Read this recently in a friend's blog... somehow seemed very very apt for what has been on my mind for some time and maybe just havent been able to put it down. Its been a phase of bouts of extreme concentration and complete distraction!! :-) Anyways... to get back to the topic at hand... the women's day this sunday left me feeling very nice... some random sms', some wishes... some FB updates... sometimes i wonder if we ever realize the impact our small actions can have on someone else... on the impression we carve out for ourselves in their minds and vice versa. a male colleague... someone i dont really think i've spent time with - on work or outside...except for some random short interactions... sends an sms with a simple msg 'women like u make your gender superior'... dont even know (or care) to how many others went the same sms... but it made me smile at the unexpectedness of it...

Aaj bahut dino ke baad Aayi unn lamho ki hai yaad Bholepan aur ummeed ka tha saath Aur sapne hote the aankhon mein Bahut dino mein laga mujhe Kisi apne ke saath ki Jaise ummeed ab bhi baaki hai Shayad kahin dil ke ek kone mein Ek aisa apna jo saathi hoga Subah ke saath shaamon mein Jo khushi ki wajah banega Mujh mein aur mere apno mein Kabhi kabhi darr lagta hai Kya pehchaan paoongi usse Bahut adla badli rehti hai Aapno mein aur begaano mein Khud pe yakeen hai ab tak Tabhi to yahan tak pahunchi hoon Varna bahut hi mushkil hoti shayad Ghabraye mann ko samjhane mein Kya sabke saath aisa hi hota hai Ki khud ka astitva adhura lagta hai Kisi aur ka sang kya zaroori hai Ek poora jeevan jee paane mein??

When I first heard this term – in all my naivety (yes it DOES apply to me at times!!) – I really thought it means its someone who’s a buddy and you also f@#$ them… seemed to make little sense to me at that time – simply because I thought that’s what I define as my perfect formula for a life partner!! Why coin a whole new term for something as basic as say a soul mate etc… Only later did I finally grow up to realize that there’s a whole new world out there in which terms like this make so much sense… and its not what I thought… Its someone who u f@#$ and can be sure to keep it a secret like a buddy!!! Or it’s a buddy - who when u’re down and out, you can ask for a f@#$ if you really need it!! Now why did this come to mind now… well simply becoz in a recent episode of ‘sex and the city’ – the girls are discussing this! And I was wondering about this kind of relationships – if they can be called that. Especially so in our culture here - where most people in my circle at least (or so i wud...

It was a really strange day today... met up with some of my school friends and found new friends in them! the ease with which the deepest of secrets of life were being shared was astoundingly unexpected.. the innocence of school days replayed in a lot of ways. there was no pretense, no hidden agendas, no put on acts, no keeping image intact... i hope i dont get spoilt by all this purity of sharing. not nice to start expecting this from other relations.. is this something normal? but at least all of us seemed to think that if a similar reunion happened with college friends - the same innocence wont be there... maybe, maybe not. anyways back to the peeping bit.. one of the girls turned out to be a professional astrologer! my god... what a job to have! and as i was confirming with her - yes its pretty much like that of a doc - everyone u know has something to ask of you no matter what the occasion of meeting up! :-) but what was interesting was the discussion we had on whether its a good ...

“How does it feel?” – is a question some of the long-married friends of mine have asked me from time to time and more so recently. Maybe now that some of them have started approaching their 10th anniversaries – maybe its playing on their minds more than before! :-) And I have always believed that the old idiom of ‘grass being greener on the other side’ applies to women more than men!! We always seem to want or at least be intensly curious about whatever’s out of our reach! But to get back to the question being asked… how DOES it feel being single at 35? I don’t know if I can answer it actually – becoz then I need to know how else it could have felt at 35!! It feels bloody normal to me right now… :-) Maybe not what I expected it to feel at 35 – but this is how it is. It feels strange sometimes to have friends talk about their 9 yr old kids… It feels pretty normal to have enough free time to do what catches my fancy… It feels normal to never complain about ‘me’ time… Its strange to come ...

Closures in relationships have kinda driven me crazy all my life!!! Either am trying to avoid them or running like crazy to achieve them… :-) And reading a note a friend had written recently kind of brought afresh all the ones which have been maybe more memorable for me… a long term friend who stopped talking suddenly… a stranger who struck a chord literally in seconds over a random cup of coffee in a strange land… But maybe the strangest of them all are those relations which show you a glimmer of potential – of becoming something much bigger than a casual friendship… and then without there being an explaination, just stay stuck in the same moment of time... or even worse fade away without any apparent reason. Makes me wonder if its deliberate or actually someone’s way of being… Maybe had this happened just once – I would have put it down to a freak case. But for what its worth – in the recent times have encountered more than one such case - and honestly it really freaks me out!! What ...

Jindagi ke arth kuch badalte hain is tarah, Jaise samundar ke paas ki rait ki satah, Jab lagta samajh aane lagi hai jindagi, Ek aur lahar aati hai paheli ki tarah, Ab kya karein ham is jindagi se jirah, Mazza aane laga hai humein jeene mein isi tarah...

Resolutions Oaths Kasamein Vaadein Call them what you please... for me its about thinking about our ideals and trying to set reminders for ourselves lest we stray from the path of seeking them! and new year is just another one of those milestones which makes it easy for everyone to see where they are as compared to where they want to be... so i dont have anything against anyone setting the new year resolutions!! :-) in fact i do it myself too... and yes weight loss is very much the first one on the list!! ALWAYS!!! ;-) Anyways... have been meaning to put some more down here - so that can visit them later and see where i've reached... or maybe even when exactly i let go of them!!;-) so here goes - 1. Loose 5 kgs... be fitter.. more active physically... more stamina... etc etc... in the general 'take care of body' genre! seeing ma with her bad knees is really driving home the need to do something!! so.. wont just join aerobics... but hopefully will do some real dancing too......